zenMom

why can't adults play nice?

so i'm a little bummed.  well, maybe more than a little.  i haven't talked to my kids in over a week because my ex doesn't keep to our schedule, misses calls, and doesn't return messages.  i'm trying to be really understanding about it, running though reasons why and trying to cut him some slack because i know how hard corralling two kids can be, but my patience is wearing thin because he hasn't ever been reliable on this point.  he often 'forgets' about our call (though we agreed to  every wednesday and sunday at 6 cst) and then makes me scramble and call to try to arrange the calls later in the week. 

when the kids were with me i was the one who kept to our appointments and sat the kids down for the call. there were more times than i'd like to think about when he agreed to a call time (i went out of my way to accommodate him) only to miss it and repeat the same process for a few days before finally making himself available.

its frustrating that he doesn't keep to our agreement on this because i go out of my way to keep him in contact with the kids when they are with me.  right now, i'm leaving messages but i'm pretty sure he deletes them because he always tells me he "didn't have any messages" from me.

this is not a productive way to behave.

there's not much i can do from this side of things other than keep calling and try to make call arrangements with his mother if calling the ex fails. 

its moments like this that make me grateful the kids will be with me a majority of the year...i am counting the days...

back in the saddle

so its been a while, hrm?

so much has happened in the past few months since my last post...i certainly didn't intend to take a hiatus from my blog, but learning to juggle two children under 6 along with working from home was a bit of a challenge.  at the end of the day, if i had any energy after taking care of kids and work i either spent it with Hill or just entertained my brain with crapTV and trashy celebrity blogs.

the kids are in texas right now visiting their dad.  things with dad are going well, though things with his family are not quite, but that cant be helped.  i could go into it right now, but i don't want to waste the energy when its about as effective as spitting in the wind. 

anyhow, the kids are in Tx until the holidays and after that, they are making their home in california.  for now, i'm faced with having an overabundance of time on my hands and trying to reassess what i'm doing right now. 

with the kids gone, i first went all OCD on the apartment and cleaned/organized like a mad woman.  it helped keep me busy and keep my mind off of the fact that it was so quiet in the apartment now.  part of the crazy cleaning stems from the desire to make the best use of every cubic inch of our cozy apartment should we stay here longer.  rent in sf right now is not showing much sign of coming down, so we are holding onto this little rent controlled apartment for now.  if we stay, with two kids, we have to find ways to make most of what we got.  seriously, where we are, the location rocks....we are about two blocks from golden gate park. haight-ashbury.  cole valley.  ocean beach.  the academy of sciences!

i digress...

i'm still working from home doing freelance web work and while i like it, i am going to be looking for more work since this the hours on this job seem to be drying up.  its either that or work in a brick and mortar office, but the work on that front also seems to be few and far between and looking gets frustrating.  i would rather keep working from home, but i keep coming back to the idea of working in an office for a 'real' company because i want to pay off what debt i have ASAP and save up for a house.  Hill and i keep toying with our living options and, though it seems like a total dream to want it, we want to live in the city - and that is going to take more than a few grand.

* * *

i've started going to bikram yoga again after a two and a half week hiatus (for the trip home to tx)  it should have really only been two weeks but the week i came back i was moping after aidan and jillian and i was not up to do anything. i'm doing 4 times a week and hopefully adding running in next week as well.

the yoga and running are part of my attempt to totally revamp my lifestyle and get healthier.  i've tried before, that's for sure, but i haven't really been able to focus on it when there were big issues pressing.  i'm just glad i've kept the weight i lost so far off permanently.  at any rate, now i have just got to get going now...

this weekend i think Hill and i are going to meet up with some of the band, maybe wander the city....and i'm going to try to email my friends so they dont think i disappeared...

wow.

so jillian and my ex arrive tomorrow at 7:30pm!  i can't tell you how excited i am and, at the same time, how nervous i am too.  i am hopeful that things will be a little easier between he and i since i've tried to stress that we need to be on good terms for the kids if no one else, and excited to see the kids together again.

i have such massive amounts of stuff to do tomorrow to make things ready for jillian's arrival.  augh!  too much!  at least i worked off some stress today...read about it on Fit Mom.

someone get me some claritin stat...

gah...i cannot breathe...or, at least, not well.  about two days after aidan and i got back from the wedding i came down with a cold/or sinus infection. there have been days where i thought i was on the up an up, days when i was able to go running for 1.4 miles (twice!) and felt great.  alas, the stuffiness, sneezing, pressure, and runny nose are here for an extended stay.  its not fun.  blech.

jillian is coming out for the summer soon, though when is up for debate.  despite the fact that we have been talking about the trip for a while my ex has suddenly said he isnt sure when he can bring her out.  we agreed on the 5th or 6th originally, and he told me last week that they'd leave on the 5th.  then suddenly yesterday he tells me that he cant leave because of a deadline for his project, June 9th.  he's been on the project for 2 months. the deadline isnt new, he's known about it.  hopefully, she will be out sooner than later.

i need to sit down and plan out some spots to hit in the city, like the pier, the zoo, the beach, the lake...hopefully i can get the two of them to some of the playgroups with the golden gate mother's group.  since jillian hasnt been attending ballet (which she loves) while in san antonio, i'm going to try to find an affordable ballet camp for her. 

aidan and i went shopping, walking down to Andronico's Market which, round-trip, is about 1.5 miles and very hilly.  its a good brisk walk for me especially when you consider that i'm pushing 50lbs (kid+stroller) add groceries and by the time i get home i've worked up a nice sweat and my legs are whimpering.  today was a really very foggy windy day, with the mist flowing over twin peaks and swirling over the tree tops.

i'm not doing the cleanse after all - i decided this weekend to basically make the real changes i need to make to my eating habits and continue to make time to work out.  with the travel for the wedding and being sick i admit its ben much easier to grab food that's quick and easy to make, even if it isnt what you might eat normally. 

basically, i'm

• cutting out processed foods from my day
• becoming more committed to reading the labels
• cutting out dairy
• cutting out red meat. period.  no sneaky steaks.
• eating only whole grains
• more fresh fruit in my diet
• cutting out caffine (OMG)
• drinking 3 L of water a day

right now i'm holding firm and keeping the 10lbs i've lost so far off.  i still have 28 lbs to go at least to get to my goal weight.  most of what i've started to  do is try to really keep to a firm calorie per day limit.  its different for veryone but i'm of the camp that most people dont need to eat as much as most of us do. i've started easing into cutting down, a little at a time over the past two weeks.  tomorrow we go hard core. ;)

the irritating thing is honestly how expensive it is to eat heathily. if you want to pick up fresh fruits and vegetables you will be sure to pay a pretty penny, never mind what you'd pay to eat organic. ditto for healty snacks like raw nuts and the like.  good cereals that dont include sugar or high fructose corn syrup are usually outpricing the nutritionally questionable and colorful cereals down the aisle.

i'm going to try to carefully plan out our meals so we can maximize our money (foods that are good as leftovers the next day). 

and even though my head feels like its going to explode with sinus pressure (meds are not working) i am going to go run tomorrow.  i am going to blog about it over on Fit Mom.  the blog isnt quite set up but will be tomorrow at the latest.

ugh. i need to lie down.

update: john called today and he is bringing jillian, via plane rather than car, on thursday.  *yay!*

connections

i've been such a bad friend when it comes to calls & correspondence.  life has been tumultous over the past 9 months to be sure, and i know that my friends will understand and all that, but i still feel like i've neglected the very people that would be just the people to turn to for support.  chalk it up to growing up in a situation where i had to keep very painful things private and depend only on myself.  i need to change that.

i've been going through my email and sending long overdue replies and planning phone calls.  i need to call family back home and send myspace messages to friends back home so they dont think i fell off the face of the world when i moved to san francisco.